Short Victim’s Stories

If there is one thing my crime has taught me is that I had a very limited toolbox for dealing with this type of situation. I learned my toolbox was further limited by those things taught in my childhood. It is very hard for a 9 year old to understand setting boundaries when it is combined into a lecture on a shortcoming, namely being selfish. These are two separate subjects and combining the two can be disastrous. And it has been. I entered adulthood not knowing how to set boundaries; boundaries for those around me, boundaries for family members and when I entered the workplace boundaries for co-workers. When I entered the workforce it was 1979, computers were not yet a normal part of the office. And the internet did not yet exist. I did not have boundaries for the online world because there was no need for them. Cell phones did not exist either. I think things like bag phones may have been coming into existence. Through my working career personal computers came into being. Even still there was not much known or taught in the marketplace about online scams until maybe 25 years ago when it became a necessity for a company to establish email and online guidelines and make it policy. I have only had a home computer for maybe 28 years and did not obtain a laptop until about 8 years ago. However, the main problem was I did not have clear personal boundaries for friends, family or online. I trusted new people in person especially if we connected. Telling family about what happened to me is limited only to my husband at this time. I tried telling a trusted friend and was called everything from deranged to stupid and I really don’t want to go through that again. I reached out to my brother/sister (transgender) and asked that she call me when it was convenient as I had something I wanted to discuss. In the message I let her know that I was hoping that she could extend to me the same type of understanding I had given her when she came out to me. That was 2-1/2 months ago and I’m still waiting for a phone call. I’m not going to push. Establishing personal boundaries is very important and very hard to learn when one is considered elderly by the world at large. Not having boundaries in place especially on the internet is disastrous when you are now the #1 target by predators. If anyone is like me it should be the first thing on the list that you do (if you have not been scammed): set privacy controls on your internet accounts! If you don’t know how there are many reliable sources out there to learn how to do so. Many public libraries now keep someone on staff that can teach someone how to more safely navigate the internet. The second most important thing to do if you haven’t is add multi-factor authentication to your online accounts and make your passwords strong! If you have been scammed the first thing you do is stop all communication from your scammer: BLOCK AND DELETE! Never again answer an unsolicited email or text, ever! Learn how to protect yourself and educate yourself. SET BOUNDARIES!

My crime was one in which there will be no closure. I have chosen to move forward. I reported my crime, dealt with police that laughed at me. The criminal impersonated a famous actor but insisted on no photos, to not believe anything the internet had posted with regard to the actor. Yes, there are photos everywhere I look of the actor, but now, it is hard to see this person on television reruns, it is hard to think of this celebrity creating the romance that I believed was real. I cannot even insist on certainty. The only thing I know for certain now is that there is no way the real person would have led me through what I experienced. The only thing I know for certain is that law enforcement insisted on the name and then laughed at me and told me to go home and be a good little wife and make dinner for my husband and stay off the internet. The other thing I am certain of is that there will be no closure, there may never be an arrest, but if there was I would never know the criminals in my crime had been arrested as I have no true idea of who there are, what area of the world they are from. For my own sanity I have accepted this information and moved forward. As far as being safe, yes I would love to feel safe but all I can do is to remain positive and be careful. I have accepted I will not know there could ever be a trial. And I have accepted that my decisions could place me at risk in the future. All that is in my power is to think before I act, ask questions, verify as best I can and even after all that really think before I click. I understand that crime is an ever changing beast and that I will have to continue to learn to be able to protect myself in the future.

Am I angry? YES! But I have not called the criminals evil demons or hateful names. To learn there are people who willingly engage in this behavior against others is sad and disappointing. That there are people who will use love to harm another…it’s just too cruel to contemplate. I don’t step on ants! But there are people who are willing to destroy another human being to gain a paycheck because they are successful in making the victim believe they are loved and then willingly give up their savings or retirement to the criminals; that to me is a new low. I know for many of these criminals that they follow a script, that they consider their moves, they ask a more experienced person on their team for assistance if a victim refuses their directive; this is all a part of a normal day for them. It’s a business, a paycheck. It helps them support their family. It is not good. However, I cannot call them names just to make myself feel better or to regain my control. I was harmed! It is going to take a long time for me to recover from this trauma. Instead I have found a trauma therapist, I have a wonderful support group. I choose to make positive steps forward. Do I hope the criminals who manipulated me are caught, YES! Will I know if they are caught? No… For me, the only way is to accept that I am not at fault, I will not regain the money, someday in the future my accountability for the debt will be resolved and I can start over one small step at a time, I accept that I am grieving. The relationship I experienced was at the beginning very wonderful and so easy to believe was real. The conversation was stimulating, the affection that came my way was gentle and loving. I do remember when the abusive language and hateful remarks came just how bad they hurt. My periods of shame and guilt are not as often as a few months ago. I look forward to the day that the betrayal trauma fades. I will continue to educate myself but it is not worth it to demonize or dehumanize the criminals in my crime.

I too may not have found SCARS and I am so glad that I did. I might still be sitting in shame, possibly even going through a separation or divorce. The education offered by SCARS for free is the best gift I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for all you do and provide.
This article was insightful. I wish that my best friend of over 20 years would have reacted in empathy and support instead of judging me and stereotyping me. This made me feel worthless and sent me into a deep despair for well over a week. I thought to myself if a best friend can think this of me, then how is my family going to react? I have removed my trust of this person and I spend little time with her now. She has not brought it up but I feel sure she wonders why we’re not close now. I have not informed my family – only my husband knows. He reacted positively and is very supportive.

My most memorable reaction to the addiction was the frenetic search for a savior (what do I do now?) after I realized I had been involved in a scam. My second most memory was how do I tell my husband which shared space with Oh My GOSH! when I realized how much money was involved. These two go hand in hand for the 2nd ranking because knowing the amount would be something my husband would ask. I’m glad to see the words the addiction will fade with regard to the craving feelings. Recently I noticed that those feelings were fading and I was wondering if this was usual with regard to a romance crime. My crime was intense with many sexual references in the chats and the criminal sharing need and want of an intense sexual encounter with me. I have been thinking that my craving was lasting longer due to those intense sexual conversations. Now I have confirmation of that. And confirmation that those intense sexual conversations coupled with intensely angry abusive conversation could have been the vehicle for my addiction. As was noted in the article the reward and reinforcement. Many times the criminal would withdraw for up to 48 hours and cause me to go into a downward spiral of depression. To my embarrassment I would beg for “him” to return. When they returned the conversation would start in anger/abuse discipline and when I would respond with apologies and vows of “being better” I would often get the short little sentence “that’s okay”. That short sentence would floor me. Shortly after that then it was “my heart, my soulmate, my queen…..” etc. In the last month of the crime I was on a constant roller coaster of love or abuse and name calling. That was when they were trying to raise my status to money mule. I remember questioning the criminal asking if they could treat me as they do right now in chatting how would “our relationship” be if we were actually in person. Wrong move.